


I'm on The Ground.

by nonbinaryhadeskid (orphan_account)



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Anxiety, Bullying, Depression, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Not Beta Read, Please Don't Hate Me, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-26
Updated: 2017-11-26
Packaged: 2019-02-07 05:45:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 475
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12834573
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/nonbinaryhadeskid
Summary: What Evan thinks while Evan is on the ground.





	I'm on The Ground.

**Author's Note:**

> This is heavy. This is VERY. VERY. HEAVY. HEED MY WARNINGS. Rely very LIGHTLY on the rating, as it has no explicit content I will not be rating it as such, but it can be intense or triggering.
> 
> Suicide, anxiety, self harm, bullying, a LOT of self deprecation.
> 
> Comments are very much appreciated however unless important I will not respond, very sorry. If you enjoy this, thank you.

The thing about anxiety. It sneaks up on you. You can feel it constantly, it's like going on vacation to Hawaii and suddenly realising you left the back door unlocked. But that's not the worst part, not at all.

 

The next stage is the settling fear. It sits in your gut. You hold your stomach so you don't vomit wondering why this affects you like it does. You don't ask for help. You figure it'll pass.

 

Then it's the dread. Dread throws a party in your throat. He makes it hard to talk so you can't warn anyone but yourself. Your head is screaming. Your stomach is lurching. Your body sits on pins and needles, you wait.

 

Then comes the adrenaline. You scream, you cry, you make a scene. You impulsively shout your thoughts just to misword them. You lie because you meant them, but people weren't supposed to know. Sometimes you harm yourself, physically or mentally. Sometimes it's others. 

 

After, the regret. You hate yourself for feeling that way. For the impulse. For the shit you let get to you. For harming another, maybe. But what you don't regret is degrading yourself. 

 

The catch is that it's preset in our heads. Same for some, different for others. People don't really understand no. They tell you to just stop. To kill yourself if you really want to. That it's not normal. That it's your fault. That you're looking for attention. That it will get better, if you just act like it. That you're what they aspire to be. That they feel the same way. Are they lying? It's a vicious cycle.

 

If you die. Will it stop? If you do drugs, take pills, shoot up. Will it stop? If you take a blade to your skin, a lighter, a flat iron, a needle. Will it stop? If you act like it's alright, keep your trap shut, put on that fake smile that people can see right through. Will it stop? Will you stop second guessing everything? Will you stop asking yourself questions as if you should be anything but dead or hurt?

 

Will you be found? Will the words stop pouring out? Will you calm down? Will you shut up? Will it stop? Will you stop crying? Will you stop falling? Does a tree crash just to die? Or does it crash and create so much more for the world around it?

 

If you're on the ground at school, does someone stop to pull you up? Or do they just walk past and ignore you? Are they the reason you fell? Do they tell you that no one will find you?

  
Well, here's the resolve. Someone may find you. They may not. But they may. And the chance is always there. There are billion of people in the world. One is bound to find you.


End file.
